Satire: Punjab Assembly bans free speech, suspends 26 MPAs for committing the ultimate crime

Lahore – July 8, 2025 | By Satirical Bureau

In a stunning blow to democratic tradition and free speech (and possibly common sense), Punjab Assembly Speaker Malik Ahmed Khan has taken bold action to protect what truly matters: the feelings of Chief Minister Maryam Nawaz.

The Speaker has filed a disqualification reference against 26 opposition MPAs of the Sunni Ittehad Council (SIC)/ PTI with the Election Commission of Pakistan, for the gravest parliamentary offense imaginable — “hurting the sanctity of the House,” aka mildly criticizing Maryam Nawaz.

“It’s not hooliganism if it’s for democracy,” said the Speaker, wiping away a tear of loyalty. “But if anyone questions the CM, then yes — it’s clearly an anti-state activity punishable by eternal suspension and possibly public shaming.”

Witnesses report that on June 27, the opposition dared to speak up — or worse, raise slogans — during one of CM Maryam’s royal addresses. Sources say the opposition’s tone became “too honest,” prompting emergency sensitivity protocols.

“Opposition ka kaam hota kya hai? Chup kar kay baithna. Agar CM sahiba bol rahi hain, to bus taaliyan bajao ya selfie lo,” said an unnamed source from the Speaker’s office while adjusting a Sharif family calendar on the wall.

The Speaker, a man known for his firm spine when seated next to PML-N leadership, said the MPAs violated “democratic norms” — the same norms that now require every speech to begin with a dua for Maryam Nawaz’s complexion and end with a TikTok campaign of her development work.

In a passionate press briefing, Malik Ahmed Khan added:

“Article 63 of the Constitution is clear: Thou shalt not roast the CM. Any satire, sarcasm, or even slightly raised eyebrows during her speech is a violation of the holy parliamentary code.”

Meanwhile, insiders confirm that Maryam Nawaz has reportedly banned criticism in all 36 districts, issued a “no sarcasm” order in Lahore, and instructed the DGPR to ensure all journalists who wish to interview her must submit questions in advance, approved by Photoshop and AutoCue.

Political analysts say this is the most significant crackdown on free speech since… last month. Opposition parties, however, remain undeterred and have promised to retaliate by live-streaming speeches from their rooftops.

As for the Speaker, he’s now planning to rename the Punjab Assembly “Sharif Brand Studio”, where all legislation must pass through Instagram filters and reels approval before becoming law.

🔚 Editor’s Note:
This is a satirical article intended for humor and critique. Any resemblance to authoritarianism is unfortunately not fictional. Please don’t try this in real parliaments — unless you’re in one already.