SATIRE: Premium in youth, promo in age: Confessions of a former goddess

Premium Beauty, Discount Options: The Curious Case of Ageing Elegance

There was once a time — not long ago, if you ask her — when Miss Elegant would enter a café and gravity itself would pause. Men glanced, women whispered, waiters stumbled. She was the limited-edition collectible of her time: flawless, pricey, and not for the commoner’s shelf.

Back then, her only complaint was abundance. “Too many proposals, darling,” she’d sigh, sipping her zero-calorie latte. “But why settle? I deserve luxury — first-class husband, luxury vacations, diamonds not cubic zirconia.” She wasn’t wrong. The world treated her like a precious artefact — admired but rarely handled, lest you couldn’t afford the maintenance.

Fast forward twenty years. The café is still there, but Miss Elegant is now Lady Nostalgia. The glow is softer, the glances fewer. Botox may have fought the wrinkles, but time? Time is undefeated.

Now she shares a different lament: “Back then, I rejected suitors because they couldn’t afford me. Today, even those suitors are CEOs — of their families.” She chuckles bitterly. “I wish I’d taken the poor government officer — at least his pension is better than my regrets.”

Worse, she now scrolls matrimonial apps like a discount shopper in an off-season sale:
“Widower? Fine.”
“Second wife? Sure.”
“Third? As long as he’s alive.”

She now understands that men don’t fear commitment — they fear high maintenance. They didn’t flee because of love lost but because their salary couldn’t sustain weekly spa appointments, exotic brunches, and annual existential crises about “where is this relationship heading?”

Today, she proudly declares, “I’m open to being the second or third wife. Just… someone marry me before I qualify for a senior citizen discount.”

And as she finishes her lukewarm coffee, she offers this pearl of wisdom to the younger women around her:
“Price yourself high, but remember — sales season always comes. And in the end, clearance rack is still better than storage.”