SATIRE: Cristiano Ronaldo Finally Engaged After Standard Nine-Year, Five-Child Compatibility Test

Cristiano Ronaldo, legendary footballer and record-breaker, finally gets engaged to long-time girlfriend after nine years and five children, sparking worldwide laughs over the “longest build-up play” in football and love history.

Cristiano Ronaldo — the man who can score a hat-trick in under 20 minutes, break century-old football records, and dribble past world-class defenders without breaking a sweat — has taken an unexpectedly long route in his personal life. After nine years and the birth of five children, the Portuguese superstar has finally decided his long-time girlfriend might just be “the one.”

According to insiders, Ronaldo spent nearly a decade in what fans are now calling an “extended trial period.” During this time, he continued to dominate the football world, lifting league titles, Champions League trophies, and even a European Championship, while adding a jaw-dropping number of goals to his record. Off the pitch, however, his approach to commitment appeared more like a slow build-up play than a quick counterattack.

It wasn’t until the arrival of their fifth child that Ronaldo reportedly had his “Eureka” moment. “You know what,” he is believed to have thought, “maybe this relationship is going somewhere.”

In a lighthearted comment to friends, Ronaldo is said to have joked, “I’ve won everything in football, but engagement… that’s a long game. You can’t just rush into these things. First, you need five kids to make sure you’re compatible.”

Fans across social media are already labeling it the “longest build-up play in football history,” claiming it beats even the slowest tiki-taka sequence Barcelona ever produced. Relationship experts suggest this is proof that even the GOAT sometimes needs extra time off the pitch before sealing the deal.